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Thursday, 8 December 2011

"Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"

Well, it's December, and that can only mean one thing.  Christmas card season.  This is the only time of year where opening the mail can be an exercise in awkwardness akin to watching a sex scene on TV with your mother and father.  Card only? Great.  Photo card only? Also great.  Family newsletter?  Uh oh, prepare to be judged.  I know, I know, there are plenty of people out there who write perfectly decent updates that I quite enjoy.  I am not talking about those people.  Whom I'm referring to is the group of people that take this time of year to make sure we know how awesome their lives are, and therefore, how much our own lives must suck.  No, I don't care about the 5 star resort you stayed at.  No, I don't care about how awesome your job is or how Stacy made it into Julliard after studying the violin for only 5 days.  Because I know, we all know, that your life isn't really like that.  Everyone's poop stinks, get over it.

So here's my version. Enjoy.

Dear family, friends and people who I send cards to that I don't know very well anymore, but keep sending cards to me so I keep sending back to them,

Well, it's been a great year.  Scratch that, it's been an okay year.  After spending most of last Christmas driving all over the fucking province it was nice to do nothing in January. Well, it was actually pretty hard to do anything because it was so goddamn cold outside.  February was also cold.  Just like every year.  My wonderful husband went on an all boys cat skiing trip to the mountains while I travelled with a 2 year old and a pregnant sister to Kamloops to visit a friend.  And people wonder why I'm often angry.
You know how they refer to March as "in like a lion, out like a lamb"? Well, that's bullshit. It was cold and gray and gross. Just like every year.
In April the family travelled to Vancouver island to get an idea of what it's like to be a hippie.  FYI, it's pretty nice.  Oddly enough, I don't remember May or June. I must have been wasted the whole time.
July is usually my favourite month, but this year it was the month where I lost my mind, or what was left of my mind.  Reason one: spending a week with someones in-laws in a 500 square foot cabin building a boat garage for a boat we never use.  Reason 2:  babies, lots and lots of babies, none of which were mine.  Er, let's move on before I actually evoke some sort of pity emotion.
Oh wait, speaking of babies, my twin sister decided to finally try to pass along her neuroses and had a baby girl.  I was there for the labour.  It was bad.  Vaginas are gross. 
In August I decided to see how often I could do the drive between Calgary and Edmonton (3 hours, dead-straight road) before I wanted to drive head-on into a semi. Decision: 2 times.
In September I read this great book called "How to Potty Train Your Wonderful, Smart, Precocious Child in under 1 hour".  It really should have been called "How to Potty Train Your Child and Divorce Your Husband All at the Same Time".  My husband and I reconciled, and my daughter is diaper free, except for a most memorable moment where she completely emptied her bladder in the France Pavilion at Epcot. In front of 50 people. 
October was a blur. Must have been wasted again. 
November brought some more arguments, I mean discussions, with my husband.  All involving me being right and him not wanting to admit to me being right.  We also went to Las Vegas.  And Orlando. And in two weeks we are headed to Maui.

Oh crap, I'm one of those people I hate.  That must be the reason that I've started to walk and text at the same time. But that's a discussion for next time.  


  1. I read this blog while I was taking a break from making my video holiday letter that I send out to my 1000 closest friends and family via Youtube and I couldn't stop laughing.

    I'm your second follower, surely there's some kind of a monetary award for that? I'll take loonies if that's all you got.

  2. Thanks Jen! I don't have any loonies, but I do have one bulimic cat and one incontinent cat...would that do?
    Although you should actually win that award you were talking about as my first follower is actually my mother. The only thing sadder (is that a word?) is that I don't follow her blog. Ouch.